⋯ Age 5, Winter ⋯
Cooper was an energetic five year-old. Bright hazel eyes were filled with wonder whenever he ran around the playground at school. Kindergarten meant he couldn’t stay at the house all day anymore, and instead had to attend school—where the children weren’t as fun as watching his baby sister, Addison, babble to her heart’s content.
It also meant he didn’t have to watch his dad, Finley, cry in front of his mom’s picture anymore, so Kindergarten had its perks.
Sometimes, his dad would let him play on the wooden stage in the cafeteria while Finley and another group of adults discussed grown-up things, too boring to remember.
It was during one of these get-togethers that he met Jax—a blonde, amber-eyed boy his age with a crescent scar on his lower lip.
When Cooper asked how he got the scar, Jax told him his aunt accidentally dropped him, and on the way to the floor he hit the corner of a coffee table.
Jax also waved off Cooper’s automatic apology, informing the tanner boy that all was forgiven between him and his aunt, since after he was securely in her arms again, he immediately threw up on her favorite blouse.
The two became and remained best friends ever since.
⋯ Age 8, Fall ⋯
School wasn’t so bad with Jax by his side. The third grader resembled a tornado in the way he swept Cooper up with shortening his name to “Coop,” making sure Addison—which he also shortened to “Addy”—didn’t stay down whenever she fell after chasing the two around the house, and helping Cooper’s social life by introducing him to friends like Nate—a redheaded boy with a jaded perspective for a nine year-old—and Kai—the most likeable girl in their grade, even though all the boys knew even she had cooties, too.
With an expanding circle of friends and a now-stable homelife, Cooper didn’t think anything bad could touch them.
⋯ Age 9, Summer ⋯
His wake-up call came in the form of Jax’s father passing the summer between third and fourth grade.
Between bouts of crying, hiding in the basement from strange adults wielding condolences, and trying to take Jax’s mind off of the gathering upstairs, Cooper promised to never again see his best friend sad like he was that week.
⋯ Age 11, Fall ⋯
By the time girls started complaining about bleeding—gross!—Cooper started to notice changes in jerks like Jeremy Jefferson. Whenever Ms. O’Connor’s class wrapped up swim lessons for the day, Jeremy would always pick on other boys. He’d say they couldn’t possibly ever be as tall as he’s gonna be one day, since his dad was a giant and theirs were little baby pebbles.
One time, Jeremy picked on Jax about it, mentioning how he couldn’t be sure about him, because Jax’s dad is never around.
All it took was tears starting to form in Jax’s eyes for Cooper to make Jeremy bleed through his nose. The girls loaned him a tampon on the way back to class.
Cooper got a silent pat on the back from his dad when he explained the events behind his three-day suspension note.
⋯ Age 11, Winter ⋯
Cooper noticed changes in other boys, too. Boys like Ryan, who started to get these black little hairs around his chest. Like Gabe, who over the course of a week grew a whole inch. Even Nate started to sound more like his dad sometimes with the way his voice grew deeper. And Jax…
Well, sometimes the locker room was the last place Cooper wanted to be when Jax shined from chlorine and water droplets, chipmunk cheeks still a pretty red after doing diving practice. What was worse, Jax told him he was thinking about doing this regularly by joining the swim team.
At least Cooper would be at hockey practice when Jax had his matches. The uncomfortable roiling in his gut wouldn’t hurt him then.
⋯ Age 12, Spring ⋯
Cooper couldn’t escape the roiling in his gut when Kai invited everyone to her twelfth birthday party. Truth or Dare was fun (he got to see Jeremy eat a dust bunny).
The party grew less fun when that morphed to dares of kissing, which morphed to seven-minutes-in-heaven. Kai and Nate had to go first, because it’s Kai’s house and Nate suggested it. It worked out for those two, so why didn’t it work for Jeremy and Mikaela?
Probably just because Jeremy’s a jerk.
Kai giggled at Cooper’s blank face when she told him he had to go next. He blinked at her skinny finger pointing directly at his chest. When he followed up her outstretched arm, he saw her other arm pointing out, too.
Following that was Jax’s face, red as a tomato.
Jax protested, waving his palms back and forth as he did so. Turning to Cooper, Jax grabbed his forearm in a white-knuckled grip, making Coop wince at the pressure as, “Y-You agree with me, right?” squeaked out of Jax’s mouth.
Passed pretty pink lips that looked soft and-
“Kissable.”
Jax tilted his head in confusion. Kai teased, “What was that, Coop?”
After clearing his throat and his thoughts, Cooper reiterated, “I asked if I’m not kissable.”
The tables turned and the room gaped, “oo”s directed at Jax instead. Before Nate could defend his long-time friend, Jax threw his head back and yelled, “Fine!”
Cooper’s wrist felt hot enclosed in Jax’s grasp. Cooper blinked and they were in the dark closet together, all of their friends pressed up against the closed door and shushing each other. No doubt their ears strained to hear all the dirty sounds between the two, when in reality they never even kissed.
Jax scrunched his eyes, taking a deep breath as if to steel himself before he could kiss Cooper. The thought made Coop’s stomach churn painfully, knots forming in his throat as he felt Jax’s hands fist his shirt the same way they had on his forearm.
As Jax leaned in, Cooper held his hand up. When trembling lips met palm, Jax’s eyebrows furrowed instead. Slowly, he opened his eyes to see Cooper’s pained expression.
A shaky smile graced Cooper’s lips before he brought a finger to them, indicating his request for silence. Jax peeled his body away from Cooper. The only point of contact between them shifted to be relaxed hands on Cooper’s wrinkled Bruins tee.
Confusion crossed Jax’s face before Cooper exhaled slowly, leaning his forehead against his best friend’s. The position was awkward with Cooper refusing to take away his hand, but a minute passed with Jax slowly relaxing. After another, he wrapped his arms around Cooper, grateful to have a friend like him.
For the remaining four minutes, the two breathed in the comforting scents of each other, ignoring the occasional giggle heard from behind the door they stood against.
When they could hear the others getting up from their positions—accompanied by the sound of “ow”s and “watch it”s—Cooper pulled his head away from where it nestled in Jax’s shoulder. Cooper heard the lock click and started to turn away, but Jax surprised them both.
Along with the entire seventh grade when they heard the story of Kai’s party ending with Jax’s tongue down Cooper’s throat. The night topped shenanigans charts across the county as “the most intense game of seven-minutes-in-heaven EVER.”
⋯ Age 14, Winter ⋯
By ninth grade, the two still haven’t lived it down. In fact, the entire class expects them to get together. It was why when little Jamie Smith blustered her way through a red-faced love confession ending with an open invitation to go to the winter formal with her, Cooper didn’t know how to respond.
Before he could, Jamie was already with her friends, giggling and getting encouraging praise from them. Cooper stood outside the rink on the sidewalk for a while, instead of heading into the locker room immediately like he planned to.
He gripped the strap to his hockey bag so hard during those blank five minutes, his fingers felt numb during practice (and not from the ice for once).
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
After picking Jax up from swim practice, Cooper waited until his father and sister weren’t in the car with them to relay the news to Jax.
Cooper told the story of Jamie’s love confession laying on his bed, his favorite baseball nonchalantly thrown in the air and caught by his right hand repeatedly. As he listened, Jax vibrated on the floor with excitement.
“Really?” he asked, enthusiasm crystal clear in his voice.
Cautiously, Cooper stilled his throwing hand and turned his head to see Jax beaming, arms crossed on the bed as he knelt on the floor.
Cooper nodded slowly, feeling awkward both from the sideways angle he stared at Jax’s face, and at the fact he now had to share his love life with him. Turning back to the ceiling, Cooper resumed lightly tossing the baseball above his head. “I don’t know what to tell her.”
“Duh,” Jax said, rolling his eyes, “You tell her yes!”
The ball slipped through rigid fingers, red seams imprinting on the bridge of Cooper’s nose after colliding with it.
“Are you okay!?” Jax frantically asked Cooper’s fetal form.
With knees drawn to his chest and his nose throbbing, Cooper asked, “What?” as he assessed the damage.
“I heard a crack-”
“No,” Cooper interrupted, sitting up fully. Blinking away the tears threatening to spill, he looked down at Jax and asked again, “What do you mean, ‘tell her yes’?”
Jax’s arms bracketed Cooper’s hips on the bed, face drawing nearer as he claimed, “This is your fast-pass ticket to stardom!” At the raised eyebrow he received, Jax sighed, hanging his head.
Bolting up from knees to feet, Jax violently swept his arms through the air. “Picture it, Coop,” he started, “you’re at winter ball.” Wrapping his appendages around himself in a pseudo-hug, Jax continued, “You’re dancing. She’s got her hands around your neck, salon nails massaging your scalp.”
As if to mimic the scene, he quickly ruffles Cooper’s hair and resumes his position before Coop can swat him.
“She leans in, you follow, you guys kiss.” A faux smooch in the air. “It’s glorious.”
Cooper raises his hand, “And if it isn’t-”
“The night ends,” Jax continues as if he didn’t see or hear Cooper. Dropping his arms, he changes poses. “She tells her friends about your magical moment.”
Cooper can practically see the rainbow Jax draws with his fingers.
With a wicked grin Jax pokes him in the chest. Ignoring the guffaw Cooper exhales, Jax finishes with his other hand on his hip, “You become the school’s hottest commodity.”
The idea sounded nice. Being wanted by others. Finally getting his mind off-
But he couldn’t do that to Jamie.
“You won’t,” Jax assured, sitting on the bed next to his friend, “you’ll get her to break up with you, and then bam! Brownie points for being dumped and double points for being on the rebound.”
Cooper’s brows furrowed, the hand on his shoulder anything but comforting. Despite the bad feeling starting to form, he nodded, listening to Jax whoop and ramble on about “the plan,” trying to figure out one of his own.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
Two weeks later found Cooper having his “magical moment” with Jamie. As the two twirled around in what seemed like the fourteenth slow song of the night, Jax giving his thumbs up from one side of the room and Jamie’s friends gossiping from the other, Cooper felt terrible.
Not only was he supposed to be there with Jax (who instead went as a third wheel with Kai and Nate), but he was using a poor girl’s feelings to gain popularity.
The song ended, morphing into some upbeat pop song, but Cooper gripped Jamie tighter when she tried to pull away. She quickly got the message and stayed with her arms loose around his neck, playing with the strands just as Jax said she would. When she whispered, “What’s wrong?” in his ear, Cooper couldn’t take her concerned tone.
Burying his face in her shoulder, he felt her stiffen up, unused to his warm breath fanning across her neck. Swallowing his guilt, Cooper confessed to Jax’s stupid plan. He didn’t need to take credit for the plan, but he did, leaving out his best friend’s part in everything.
Jamie shocked him by chuckling, “I know,” against his throat. When he shifted silently, she confessed, too. “I knew something was up as soon as you told me yes.”
Cooper pulled back, staring into her bright blue eyes and trying not to wish they were brown.
She gave him a small smile. “Would it make you feel better if I told you I had the same idea?”
He blinked at her. Her devious grin made his cheeks twitch up. “Jamie,” he started, feigning a hurt heart, “did you only ask me out to make another boy jealous?”
She ducked her head, chuckling against his chest. They both shook with laughter under bright lights and peppy music.
When the two composed themselves, Jamie leaned up on her tiptoes, asking coyly, “Do you think it’ll work?”
Cooper exhaled, “God I hope so,” with another chuckle. Jamie grinned as she leaned up. Whispering, Cooper teased, “I hope you’re going for Brian, because he’s glaring daggers at me right now.”
Jamie huffed good-naturedly before murmuring, “Just kiss me.”
Not one to keep a woman waiting, Cooper put on a show for their onlookers. The two only came up for air when the song changed again. Red faced and panting, Jamie speechlessly congratulated him. “That was…”
Cooper recalled Jax’s phrase, “Glorious?”
She laughed, lips red from makeup and puffy from being bitten. Jamie nodded, resting her forehead against Cooper’s with a soft sigh.
An idea sparked in his mind. Grinning devilishly, he asked, “Want to really sell it?”
Humming in lieu of an answer, she snaked her hand from the back of his neck to squeeze his bicep.
Cooper nudged their noses together, rumbling, “We leave now, and let their imaginations do the rest?”
Smiling a mile wide Jamie grabbed his hand and rushed him through the sea of students. The two laughed their way out the door and down the sidewalk leading to town. Jamie shifted to hold his fingers instead, muttering deviously, “I know for a fact at least three people are watching us from the doors.”
In retaliation, Cooper kissed her hair, earning another chuckle from his date.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
When the two finally reached Jamie’s street, void of potential onlookers, the two chatted like old friends. Nothing and everything got discussed. As they neared her house, the conversation shifted towards Brian and his irritatingly dense head.
“I mean, months, Coop!” Jamie exclaimed, exasperated. “You can’t just be so oblivious for that long, can you?”
Kicking a stray rock, Cooper retorted, “You’d be surprised, actually. Some people just don’t get it unless you spell it out for them.” When he turned, he saw a complicated expression pass Jamie’s face before it disappeared.
“Well,” she exhaled harshly, “hopefully that won’t be the case for us.”
“Us?” Cooper blinked.
“Yeah.” When he tilted his head, Jamie raised her eyebrows. “Us,” she repeated. Ironically, Cooper still didn’t get it, so she spelled it out for him. “With me and Brian, and you and Jax.”
His face flushed. “Jax?” he questioned.
She grinned wide. Poking his cheek, Jamie informed, “His jaw was on the floor after we kissed.” He swatted her finger away and she continued cheekily, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he canceled his ‘big plan’ before tomorrow morning.”
Cooper rushed to clarify her mistake. “It’s not like that, he’s just.” Scrambling for the right word, Cooper only found, “nosy,” to describe his friend.
Jamie threw her head back and laughed. Wiping a nonexistent tear from her eye, she patted his chest, sighing, “I see Jax isn’t the only oblivious one in your case.”
Trying his best to swallow the lump in his throat, Cooper urged again, “Really. It’s not like that.”
His stomach churned.
A soft hand on his cheek brought him out of the pit he felt trapped in. Looking up from the concrete, he saw a soothing ocean watching him. Jamie smiled softly.
Slowly, as if he would skitter away like a wounded animal if she moved too fast, Jamie climbed to her tiptoes for the second time that night.
The kiss this time wasn’t for show, or a dare, or a pitying thing. The soft press against his lips was encouragement. Cooper felt it in the way Jamie’s palms branded the sides of his neck. She was telling him everything would be okay, for the both of them.
He almost believed her.
After it ended, the two disentangled from one another, hearts a little lighter than how the night started, but a little heavier than how they expected it to end.
With one more quick, chaste kiss, Jamie grinned. “Thanks, Coop.” She patted his suit jacket, right where his heart lay. “It’ll work out,” she promised.
He felt a small smile form as he watched her walk up her driveway. As she fished her keys out of her purse, he called out, “Thanks,” in return.
A sweet grin met his earnest response. Jamie offered to share a cup of hot chocolate with him, since her parents were working nights that week.
The idea of having someone in his corner while he worked on his not-so-secret crush lifted some of the weight from his shoulders. Cooper nodded, made his way up the driveway, and spent the rest of the night discussing love with a girl he barely spoke to two weeks ago.
⋯ Age 14, Spring ⋯
News of Cooper and Jamie spending the night together spread like wildfire. Though they never did anything aside from occasionally kissing (still chaste, and as a strange way of supporting one another), freshmen didn’t care.
All that mattered was how passionate the two looked at the dance, and how red Cooper’s face got whenever someone brought up that night. Never mind it only did because he recalled admitting aloud how he like-liked his best friend, and to a practical stranger no less.
Girls lined up to be with the “experienced” Cooper Griffin, and Jamie got her date with Brian. The two lasted until the beginning of sophomore year, when Becca Albright moved to town and Brian chased her skirt instead.
Cooper never really talked to Jamie, aside from sending his apologies after the Becca incident. Jamie never told anyone about how Cooper like-liked Jax, and he felt grateful for it.
Especially after Jax practically encouraged him to date the entire tenth grade.
⋯ Age 16, Spring ⋯
After a while Cooper started to feel numb to it all. People stopped being people unless it was his friends or Jax he was talking to. His body count didn’t matter anymore, to him or to others, now that he wasn’t the only one deflowering themselves.
The only upside to sophomore year was getting his driver’s license in the spring. He could drive himself home after baseball practice and ignore the ache in his chest whenever Jax asked to ride along.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
One night after a brutal scrimmage, Cooper snapped. He doesn’t even remember what Jax said, but he remembered being sick of feeling so useless that he slammed on the breaks. Ignoring Jax’s complaints about the seatbelt choking him, Cooper unlocked the doors and gritted, “Get out.”
The hand that stroked a bruising sternum froze. “What?” was whispered between them.
With creases filling his face and hands shaking, Cooper repeated, slower, “Get. Out.”
Looking back on it, he probably meant get out of his head, not get out of the car, but nonetheless Jax grabbed his book bag from the backseat slowly, as if the longer he lingered the more likely Cooper would retract his words.
Once Jax was unbuckled and his hand grasped cool metal, he opened his mouth. To say what, he wasn’t sure anymore after seeing Cooper’s pained expression.
He closed it. Popped the door open. Paused. Bowed his head. Apologized sincerely, though he had nothing to apologize for. Opened the door fully and stepped out, gently shutting the car door before making his way down the sidewalk towards his house.
Cooper sat with his head in his hands for twenty minutes, silently sobbing; a sorry attempt at releasing some of the tension, stress and pure agony that built up in his chest over years now.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
That spring, Cooper did something he would never forgive himself for. He actually did use someone’s feelings to his advantage.
His catcher, Jacob, always waxed poetry to him about how his pitches were the best he’s ever caught, and how he would always be there whenever Cooper wanted to throw some other pitches.
Jacob got his wish that Saturday, after their biggest rivals won a shutout game, 3-0, on the team’s home turf no less. The loss hit hard, even after Cooper’s teammates assured him it wasn’t his fault.
Saturday night ended with Cooper adding Jacob’s notch to his belt. The memory was hazy, clouded by flimsy emotions and the knowledge that Jacob would graduate soon.
When Monday strolled around, Jax was none the wiser about Cooper’s fling, and Jacob knew that’s all it was to Coop. There were no declarations of love, or morning-after breakfast, or expectations of going to prom together. Nate was disappointed in him; both for using Jacob, and for not being honest with Jax after their fight.
⋯ Age 16, Winter ⋯
By the time their junior year strolled around, Cooper was disappointed in himself, too. Though he never repeated his mistake with Jacob, Cooper became well-known as the go-to guy for “getting over your ex by getting under someone else.”
Jax and Kai never judged him for it. Nate always shook his head when he heard rumors of so-and-so riding shotgun in Cooper’s Mustang.
“You have to be straight with him, dude.”
“Wasn’t funny the first three hundred times you told me than, Nate.”
His friend slammed Cooper’s locker door shut.
“Okay, that was just rude.”
Nate scowled, “If you don’t tell him, I will.” Before Cooper could do any more than scrunch his face in anger, Nate urged, “It’s getting ridiculous, and sometime soon, you’re gonna lose him.”
Cooper scoffed, walking away from the conversation. However, Nate’s voice followed him for the rest of the week.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
Sunday found Cooper staring at Jax from across the dinner table, dad and sister’s light joking long forgotten thanks to the pounding in his chest. Before being asked to clean up from Finley like normal, Cooper shot to his feet. “Jax, can I talk to you for a sec?”
Confused, Jax looked at Finley. When he got a resigned sigh and a slight nod of the head as answer, he turned to Addison. “Can you-”
“Dishes, got it,” she shooed, “the longer you stay here the more constipated he gets.”
“Addy!” Cooper scolded, earning a chuckle from Jax.
Getting up as well, Jax said, “And to think, I wanted siblings once upon a time,” before following Cooper upstairs.
When the two reached the bedroom, Jax flopped onto the bed exaggeratedly. “Not that I don’t love our little talks,” he started, watching pointedly as Cooper closed the door, “but what’s up? Is it life-changing?” Quickly, Jax straightened against the headboard. “Is it something you can’t tell the fam? Are you in trouble?”
As Cooper sat next to him, Jax promptly punched his bicep. “Ow-!”
“I told you those guys on the corner looked sketchy- you owe them your life now, don’t you?!”
Cooper chuckled dryly as Jax fumed.
“You’re going to be a drug dealer forever and Addison won’t get accepted to any decent college with you looming around in her background check-”
“Jax!”
“What?”
The confused expression is usually endearing to him, but now it only twisted Cooper’s insides around. He sighed, expression turning grim. “It’s nothing like that,” he confessed.
“Then…” Jax took in his best friend’s dejected and anxious form, which refused to make eye contact with him. Taking a deep breath, Jax exclaimed, “Executive decision!”
Finally earning Cooper’s attention, Jax continued. “If it’s so hard to tell me, I’ll tell you something just as hard to tell first.” Cooper’s eyebrow and lip tugged up at his friend’s antics. Less confidently, Jax finished, “To loosen your nerves.”
Cooper smiled. “That’d actually be nice.”
“Okay.” Jax shifted around on the bed; ankles crossed underneath him, he faced Cooper fully, palms flat on his knees, before taking a breath to steel himself. His eyes opened when his mental prep finished, and he stared into emerald orbs. “Prom.”
Cooper blinked. “Prom?”
“I know it’s a while away,” Jax rushed, “but…”
Cooper swallowed his hope. “But…?”
Jax grinned wide. “But Friday morning Jeremy asked me to go with him.”
His hope regurgitated in the form of laughter. He laughed hard enough for tears to spring to his eyes, his stomach clenched in disbelief.
After a few minutes, just when it seemed Cooper had calmed down, his laughter would come back full force.
Jax hit him with a pillow repeatedly, and laughter still echoed throughout the room. “I’m being serious!”
“Yeah,” Cooper huffed between breaths, “and I’m actually The Queen.”
The pillow brigade stopped. When it never returned, Cooper spread out from his horizontal fetal position. His chuckles died down as he watched Jax.
They stopped completely, and Jax seemed to fold into himself, head bowed and shoulders bunched. “You’re serious?” Cooper whispered.
Jax jerked his head at the bedspread.
Cooper sat upright. “And you said yes?”
Jax shied away from the question, head turning to watch birds fly past the window. When a minute of silence passed and neither moved, Jax let his eyes dart to his friend’s stern face. Quickly, they found the window again as he jerked his head.
Cooper found his jaw clenching. His hands made fists as he pictured Jermeny the Jerk taking Jax to Junior Prom.
Staring at Jax’s hunched form, they unclenched.
“This…is about Jeremy,” Cooper informed, trying to control his breathing.
Jax side-eyed him, still turned towards the window.
Cooper continued, “This is about how Jeremy doesn’t deserve you.” When Jax shifted to face him, he sighed. “Not, about the fact…that he’s a he.”
Some of the earlier relaxed lines returned to Jax’s face. “Really?” he asked, disbelief clear in his voice.
Cooper nodded that time, which was shortly followed by a tight, bone-crushing hug from Jax that stole Cooper’s breath away.
After remembering why they were there in the first place, Jax asked what Cooper wanted to talk about, but by then Cooper resigned himself to be supportive. “Just wanted to tell you Nate and Kai sound pretty serious.”
Jax laughed, unknowingly taking the bait. “Those two are gonna get married and have two-point-five kids that ruin their white picket fence when they go to their couple’s yoga class.”
Cooper chuckled, ignored the gapping hole in his chest, and played video games until Jax had to leave. The drive home filled with jest, relief, and another parting hug, where Jax whispered his thanks one more time and Cooper pretended not to feel Jax’s breath on his ear for the rest of the month.
⋯ Age 17, Spring ⋯
He regrets not listening to Nate, who happily danced the night away at Junior Prom with Kai, while Cooper spent the night consoling Jax, who looked beautiful in his silver tux but terrible with tears streaming down his face.
Jeremy broke three hearts that night; Jax, who stood on Cooper’s doorstep in the pouring rain for half an hour before he knocked and told his best friend how his date was going to take Becca Albright to Prom instead; Brian Moss, who thought Becca was his forever; and Cooper, who never wanted to see Jax cry again after he had to watch it happen for weeks after his father passed away when they were nine.
⋯ Age 18, Spring ⋯
Cooper made sure by the time their Senior Prom strolled around, Jax was his date.
“As friends,” Nate would remind him, whenever Cooper was being particularly annoying and dense.
He refused to let it bother him, especially with Jax constantly telling him, “We should’ve gone together the first time, anyways.”
The night went swimmingly, surrounded by pop music, Nate and Kai’s bright smiles (well, Kai’s smile and Nate’s smirk), and Jax’s laughter. Even the ride home was peaceful, despite someone spiking the punch (Coop’s money was on Jeremy, who just found out he was going to flunk senior year).
With no traffic, Jax in the passenger seat, and soft country music floating around him, Cooper felt lighter than he had in years.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
His high didn’t fade as soon as he expected it to.
Not with Jax excitedly presenting him his acceptance letter to Columbia University—the same school Cooper got accepted to during the early-admission period, since he had his sights set on them since he was a freshman.
Not with Nate and Kai getting engaged shortly after graduation.
Not with Columbia accepting his and Jax’s request to room together—for both of their freshman semesters.
⋯ Age 19, Spring ⋯
It started to fade right around the end of their second semester.
Right about the time where Cooper stopped feeling like a terrible person for scratching his “guy itch.”
Right when Jax returned to their dorm earlier than he said he would, and caught Cooper in a compromising position.
Right when, after being told, “I didn’t realize you liked guys, too,” Jax still never looked at him as a potential romantic and sexual partner.
Right around when his best friend cried on his shoulder—for the fourth time since Junior Prom—about how he got dumped. Again.
Right about there, Cooper’s high faded.
⋯ Age 19, Summer ⋯
The familiar ache in his chest eased slightly when Jax asked if they could move in together in an apartment off-campus somewhere that summer. (“Since it’s cheaper.”)
Eased slightly when they were officially “adults” that did adult things like going grocery shopping, where they bought a microwave. (“You can’t get more adult than that.”)
It eased when Kai and Nate moved in, too, and Nate didn’t even mention how terrible he thought the whole idea was (which was tremendously).
Eased and ached whenever a client at his part-time job assured him he was attractive, and whoever he pined for was a moron.
Eased further when he could come home after a brutal day and find Jax curled up on the couch, wearing one of Cooper’s hoodies because they “smelled like home” instead of the musty library Jax usually spent his evenings in.
⋯ Age 19, Fall ⋯
It made sophomore year a little more bearable with Jax by his side, even if he was in the arms of someone else, instead of if they didn’t live together.
Didn’t eat breakfast together every morning, even though Jax typically had to drag Cooper to the table so he could eat before his first class.
Didn’t go to bars together as a group, where Kai sweet-talked bartenders or patrons into free drinks, and Nate pretended he was clumsy whenever he spilled his free drink on Jax’s flavor-of-the-month with a smirk and a wink.
Didn’t have movie nights every Monday, where Kai skipped her one night class and watched the lectures Tuesday instead, where they had a calendar for whose turn it was to pick the movie, who picked the snacks and whose room they would watch it in.
⋯ Age 20, Fall ⋯
The ache only flared up when Nate and Kai moved into their own place junior year, and left Cooper to deal with Jax’s partners all by himself. Dylan wasn’t so bad, especially since they only dated one week, didn’t do anything below the belt, and decided they were better off as friends afterwards.
Cooper didn’t mind adding him to their little group as much as he thought he would. Especially when Dylan and Cooper decided to be Teacher’s Assistants together.
Max—a senior that showed her dislike for anyone she thought needed a reminder—helped them through the adjustment period, since they were newbies and she had been a TA for three semesters now.
Most of the rules were easy to remember, but the easiest to remember was to not date your students.
“You control their grades. You have power over them, even if they’re older than you,” Max warned. “If you find yourself attracted to one of your students, tell one of us immediately, and we can switch.” Her mocha eyes brightened. “Then you can date, because you won’t be their TA anymore.”
“Speaking from experience?” Dylan teased.
“Ew, no,” Max faux-gagged. “But I’ve worked with TAs that had to switch with me before, since they couldn’t keep it in their pants.”
Cooper mock-saluted her. “No relations of any kind shall form between students. Got it.”
The three powered through the fall semester with no incidents.
⋯ Age 21, Spring ⋯
When spring of Cooper’s junior year strolled around, something shifted.
For starters, he left his waiter job when the owners decided to retire their mom-and-pops restaurant. His newest job—which he scored, surprisingly, thanks to Dylan—included much of the same, though the environment was completely different.
For starters, it was closer to the apartment, which was nice. He was still a waiter, which was nice. And his pay shifted, so he made twice what he was making before, which was really nice.
But it always got chilly in the club, since he had to work shirtless, which wasn’t as nice. And the clientele shifted from old ladies telling him he was attractive during dinner, to drunkards telling him flexing would earn him a bigger tip during happy hour, which wasn’t so nice. And when Jax asked if he could visit him at work, he made up excuses instead of saying his usual, “Sure,” which was the most regrettable point.
Until he got caught working by one of his students. That became his newest worst nightmare.
“Mr. Griffin?”
Cooper froze mid-step. The drinks on his tray teetered with the movement, almost ending in disaster. After he steeled himself, he turned his eyes to his student. “Violet,” he nodded, trying to be as professional as possible in the most unprofessional setting he could think of.
Violet looked around them, as if she would find them in a grocery store instead of a strip club. She pointedly kept her eyes off of his oiled chest and asked, “What are you doing here?”
Cooper thought about lying, but table six still needed their drinks. “Working.”
His student gaped as he turned away from her again, weaving through the crowd. After he dropped off his customer’s drinks, the eerie feeling of eyes on him returned. Before he reached the bar again, Cooper felt a hand in the crook of his elbow.
He shook her off as politely as he could before putting a finger to his lips, telling her, “Here at Lucky’s we ask that customers don’t touch employees.” Lowering his finger, he finished, “Even if they are dazed.”
This time, Violet kept up with him when he walked to the bar—though her expression hadn’t changed. “I-I don’t understand, aren’t you-”
“Working?” he asked brightly. “Yes, Víoleta, I am working, thanks for noticing.”
Turning to the bartender, Cooper said, “Another round for table nine, Dyl.”
“Sure thing…” Dylan trailed off as he laid eyes on Violet, “…dude.” Blinking to clear his head, he pointed, “Did you-?”
“No,” was the curt response. Cooper swung over towards his other customers while Violet waved goodbye at Dylan, intent on following again.
She crushed her nose against Cooper’s shoulder blade with an, “Ow!” when he stopped walking. Rubbing her cartilage, she exclaimed, “Okay that time was an accident!”
“What are you doing?” Cooper urged, pulling her towards a more shadowed section of the club.
She blinked at his sternum, forgetting her earlier embarrassment. “Isn’t it obvious?” Glancing up, she saw his stern expression. Matching it, she retorted, “Why else would I be at a strip club?!”
“No,” Cooper huffed, releasing her arm, “why are you following me?”
She shrugged. “Because I want to?”
Sighing, Cooper crossed his arms. He ignored the way Violet tracked his twitching biceps and told her, “If you’re going to be a customer, find a table. Otherwise, go back to your dorm.”
Shifting her gaze to his eyes, she grinned wide, teeth shining in the blacklight. “Aye aye, teach’.”
Watching her bounce away on cloud nine gave Cooper a mild headache.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
Watching her arm stretch out to him Monday morning holding what was obviously a love letter gave him a migraine.
Cooper sighed, “Violet-”
“Just hear me out,” she interrupted, wagging the envelope, “you don’t even have to read it if you don’t want to.” Straightening her spine, she held her chin up. “But if you are curious about the contents…” A grin. “You should probably have Dylan or Max grade my papers from now on.”
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
By Tuesday, Violet had a new TA and Cooper had a new girlfriend.
It was refreshing. After years of meaningless flings, he had someone who cared about him in a way his friends couldn’t.
Nate congratulated him. Dylan teased him at work since Violet started frequenting the club. Kai started planning their wedding after their relationship lasted two more semesters. Max gagged when they all went drinking and she saw Violet coo at him.
Jax told him to make sure she doesn’t leave her clothes out again the next time she leaves the apartment.
Cooper reminded him that he came home to some rando’s boxers in the kitchen before, and that Violet can leave a change of clothes here if she wants.
“As long as it stays in your room,” was the huffed compromise.
⋯ Age 22, Spring ⋯
The refreshing air turned stale during Cooper’s last semester of college.
Violet had been great, and Jax even came around to being tolerable towards her when everything started crumbling.
“What would you do?”
It seemed like an innocent question out of context. When the second half of the prompt, “If Jax and I were dangling off a cliff,” was whispered roughly after an intense round of love-making, the question revealed its malicious intent.
Cooper’s hand froze against the middle of her spine, where he had been lovingly stroking her bare back. He blinked at the ceiling in confusion, wondering how the question connected to what they’d just done. “What?”
Violet pushed off of his chest, naked forms forgotten as she stared into hazy green orbs. “What would you do?”
“I…” Cooper tried blinking again, his face contorting from bliss to bitterness. “I’d call for help-”
“No one’s around that could help in time.”
“Then I’d pull you guys up-”
“One of your arms is broken.”
Cooper laughed in disbelief, “In what situation-”
“This one.”
His smile slowly slipped away the longer she stayed silent, staring intently at him with a grim expression.
Cooper held her tighter. Swallowing seriously, he told her, “I’d save you.”
Violet stayed silent, eyes shifting between Cooper’s own.
After a silent minute, she smiled, eyes softening.
She leaned in slowly, Cooper’s eyes drifting shut. He could feel her breath against his lips when Violet whispered, “No, you wouldn’t,” resigned.
His eyes shot open, brows furrowing as she got up. Sitting upright, Cooper watched her throw on the tank top she wore earlier that day. When Violet started searching for her underwear, Cooper realized she was really going to leave.
“Hang on.” He finished putting on his boxers by the time she found her shorts. “Wait!” he urged, grabbing a hold of her wrist and stopping her departure.
“Let go of me,” Violet breathed.
“You didn’t-”
“You did!” she wailed, tears finally spilling over. Cooper loosened his grip as she hiccuped. Violet broke the connection, wiping her tears angrily, “You let me go.”
“I didn’t-”
“Coop,” she slumped, voice cracking as she cried, “do you love me?”
He jolted as if she’d slapped him. “What kind of question…”
Violet huffed a laugh, throwing on her shorts. “A fair one,” she smiled wryly. Wetting her lips, she could taste salt. Again, “Do you love me, Coop,” she breathed, “yes or no.”
His hesitation was answer enough.
With a chaste kiss, Violet whispered, “Goodbye, Cooper,” against his lips.
Cooper stood still as a statue long after the sound of the apartment door closing faded, tears silently streaming down his cheeks, feeling hollow inside.
⋯ 10:09 pm ⋯
Jax returned from his shift at the library to a dark apartment. He wondered if Cooper and Violet went out somewhere as he turned on the kitchen light.
He yelped in surprise as he tripped over Cooper, palms and elbows stinging when he hit the floor. Nursing his injuries, Jax looked at his friend. “What are you doing on the floor?”
Cooper didn’t answer. He didn’t even open his eyes after getting kicked.
Jax sat upright. “Coop?”
He didn’t flinch as Jax shook him.
“Cooper!” he insisted, movements growing frantic the longer his friend was unresponsive.
The second his eyes landed on the benzos bottle shoved under the kitchen cabinets, Jax’s blood ran cold.
“No…”
⋯ 10:22 pm ⋯
An ambulance carried the boys to the nearest hospital. Paramedics worked on Cooper as Jax sat, curled up on the EMS bench, staring at his trembling hands.
He blinked away tears when the loud thud of metal doors opening alerted him of their arrival.
EMTs rushed Cooper inside, Jax hot on their heels as they spewed words like “coma,” “overdose,” and “suicide attempt” to the nurses and doctors that met them at the hospital’s entrance.
Jax got as far as the waiting area before a nurse held him back from following the stretcher into the OR. She ignored his pleas and protests, refusing to bend as the worried friend insisted, “I’m family,” since the law didn’t see it that way—despite Jax being his emergency contact.
She assured him Cooper was in good hands, that they would do all they could, and that all he could do was wait.
He only sat once the kind woman gently pushed him into an uncomfortable, puke-green chair, unhelpfully repeating, “Relax,” over and over again.
⋯ 11:03 pm ⋯
It seemed as though hours passed while Jax waited for news. Finley and Addison bursting into the room was the only thing that made Jax look up from discolored checker tiles.
It was the first time Jax saw Finley cry.
Addison broke down in the chair beside him; it didn’t matter that she was a senior now and “too cool” to hang out with her big brother’s lame friends. Her raven locks tickled Jax’s neck as she cried into his shoulder. Her tears ran hot down his neck, the dried tracks of his own long forgotten.
The two shook with the force of Addison’s wails, Finley’s calloused hands brands against their shoulders as they cried.
⋯ 11:27 pm ⋯
The same nice nurse that helped Jax earlier came back through the operating room doors. She had a soft, pleasant smile on her face.
The group stood in unison. Addison quickly grinned at her father before steeling herself once more.
Jax refused to get his hopes up while the woman made her way towards them.
Stopping in front of the small group, she relaxed. “Cooper’s going to be alright.”
Addison latched onto her father tightly, though the man’s eyes stayed with the nurse. “And he can come home?”
The nurse lost her easy smile.
Jax’s felt like hurling.
“From the medical prescription he had, and the amount of benzodiazepines found in his system, we believe this wasn’t an accident.”
She spoke aloud Jax’s suspicious about how Cooper tried to overdose; how they had to pump his stomach of the drugs; how he would be under a mandatory twenty-four hour watch at the hospital so doctors could monitor him; how they recommend someone he trusts be with him for a majority of the first week of his recovery; how there are anonymous support groups Cooper can join; how the hospital will require him to return for a follow-up next week to make sure he’s stable, and the new prescription they give him is treating him well; how Cooper was awake, so he could briefly have visitors before he needed to rest.
Finley went to see his son. Jax stood next to Addison wondering—
“How could I let this happen…”
Addison punched him harder than an emotional high school girl should have been able to. Ignoring his cry of pain, she scolded, “You fucking found him—without you…”
She trailed off, tears starting to pool in her hazel eyes as her face scrunched in anger.
Jax apologized profusely, hugging her tightly against his chest.
⋯ 11:38 pm ⋯
When it was Addison’s turn to see her brother, Finley wordlessly clapped Jax’s shoulder. The father-figure nodded, patting his back in silent thanks.
⋯ 11:51 pm ⋯
Jax’s legs were jello as he made his way to Cooper’s room. The nurse gave him a five-minute warning before shutting the door. Though she stood outside, the boys had some semblance of privacy for their discussion.
Cooper stared at where his feet made the thin blanket stand up.
Looked like Jax had to start, then.
“I’m sorry.”
Finally, Cooper looked at him. “What?”
Moving from the door to the edge of the hospital bed, Jax continued hurriedly, “I should have known you were hurting, I’m your best friend for fuck’s sake, and it’s my job—”
“Jax—”
“—to look after you! I mean if I couldn’t help you, then how was—”
“Jax!”
Just when he thought he’d gotten over crying, the waterworks started up again during his rant. Jax tried clearing his eyes, though his lashes clumped, irritating his irises. “Yeah?” his voice wobbled.
Cooper smiled, “Breathe.”
Seeing his best friend’s wry grin, Jax collapsed on the bed. He flung his arms around Cooper’s shoulders, mirroring the position he took with Addison earlier.
Cooper held Jax as he cried, hushed him when he apologized, and missed his warmth when the nurse came to collect Jax.
⋯ 10:00 am ⋯
Morning came, along with Cooper’s discharge. Finley couldn’t take time off, and Addison had a final exam, so Jax volunteered to drive Cooper home from the hospital.
At their apartment, Nate, Kai, Dylan and Max waited impatiently. The group was already arguing as Jax and Cooper stepped through the door; over cake, of all things.
“You guys know I’m a stress eater!”
As they rounded the long hall and reached the living room, the two found Kai on the bottom of a dogpile—Cooper’s welcome home cake smeared on her cheeks.
The group froze upon hearing Cooper chuckle.
Slowly, limbs untangled from one another, grins splitting their faces as they welcomed him home with hugs and over-exaggerated smooches.
The scattered, brightly-colored balloons didn’t last long—Max coaxed a laugh out of Cooper when she popped one against Dylan’s face. After that, the group seemed to make a competition out of who-can-pop-the-most-balloons-in-precarious-places.
When Addison arrived after acing her chemistry final, she won the competition by popping a balloon between her big toes.
⋯ 7:22 pm ⋯
After a Marvel-marathon and the group collectively consuming three gallons of ice cream, everyone left Jax and Cooper’s apartment happier and more optimistic than when they arrived.
Jax left Cooper napping on the couch as he cleaned the kitchen. It was easier to ignore the memory of the last time he was in that room when his friends were there. When it was just him and the tiles that still smelled faintly of bleach, the gravity of almost losing his best friend came flooding back.
Slowly, he slid down the cabinets until his butt rested against the cool floor. From his position he could barely see the tufts of Cooper’s hair sticking out from behind the couch armrest.
The longer he stared, the easier tears came.
⋯ 8:06 pm ⋯
Cooper drifted from sleep to consciousness as fingers gently stroked his raven locks. The TV played softer than the digits ruffling his scalp; The Amazing Spider Man 2 maybe? It didn’t matter.
Sighing, he snuggled further into the warmth, ignoring the voice in his head telling him to wake up.
⋯ 10:44 pm ⋯
The second time he awoke, Cooper saw a fight scene break out between Peter Parker and Hydro-Man. Bony hands brush his bangs out of his eyes, and he can better see Tom Holland’s masked face.
Stretching, Cooper yawns, slowly turning to look up into Jax’s amber eyes. Despite falling asleep by himself, Cooper wakes with his head using Jax’s legs as a pseudo-pillow.
Memories of Andrew Garfield float back to him, and something clicks for Cooper. Spider Man movies are only watched by Jax when something is bothering him. “What’s wrong?” is pushed from Cooper’s throat before he can stop it.
Jax grimaces. His mouth opens briefly before shutting, knowing he can’t lie. Instead, he sighs, “Coop-”
“I’m sorry.” Jax blinks in confusion as Cooper continues, “You shouldn’t have to babysit me. And I’m sorry you found me like that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me-”
Cooper’s apologies cut off once Jax covers his mouth.
With a hardened expression, Jax insists slowly, “Nothing is wrong with you, Coop.” When he gets a blank stare back, Jax continues. “If anything, it’s my fault you couldn’t talk to me about this.”
Cooper encircles Jax’s wrist, intent on getting his two cents in.
Jax wanted to put his cents in first. “I lost my temper.”
Cooper’s brows scrunched in confusion. Jax never got mad…except—
“With Violet.”
Both of their grips tightened.
Jax shut his eyes, afraid of the hate he would see there, before telling Cooper how she showed up at the hospital the morning of his discharge. How she apologized for how things ended, and how she would’ve stayed if she’d known what the outcome would be.
How Jax felt anger sear his gut as he listened to her. How he couldn’t stand to listen to her explain the ultimatum she gave Cooper. How he screamed at her to leave, and not to even think about trying to see either of them again.
His hand shook in Cooper’s weak hold as he relayed the thoughts going through his head in that moment.
How he couldn’t believe Violet could do such a thing after dating Cooper for a year. How he realized, if the positions were reversed, he couldn’t be one hundred percent sure he wouldn’t have given the same ultimatum, since he’d always been jealous of Violet.
How he wanted to be Violet when he first saw Cooper kiss her.
By that point, tears had gathered in his eyes again, and Jax hurried to wipe them before they could fall on Cooper’s face.
He clarified, “Not really be her, since you two are broken up now,” he sniffled, “but if you’d have me—”
“Jax,” Cooper interrupted, softly, “look at me.”
Slowly, Jax blinked his eyes open. Hazel orbs and pearly teeth greeted his flushed face. “Yeah?”
Cooper chuckled, rubbing his thumb over Jax’s pulse point as his hand rested on Cooper’s chest. “Shut up and kiss me.”
The angle was awkward, and Cooper’s breath still smelled of Rocky Road ice cream.
However, it didn’t stop Jax from fulfilling the request.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
In the passing days, Nate and Kai bring the boys groceries while Dylan fetches their homework. Max takes it upon herself to complete Cooper’s TA work in addition to her own—with a somewhat pouting statement about how she won’t fail Violet, since Cooper asked so nicely—and Addison brings them takeout occasionally, since she’s officially done with her first year of college.
Finley controls Cooper’s anxiety and depression medication, only bringing over a few days’ worth whenever he visits them.
He also takes Cooper to his mandatory mental check-up the following week, where Cooper passes with flying colors.
Finley congratulates Cooper in the car.
Before he lets his son leave, the two have a heart-to-heart in the apartment complex’s parking lot.
Cooper dries his tears and wipes his nose on his sleeve before taking the elevator up to meet Jax.
⋯ Age 22, Summer ⋯
Graduation comes and goes. Professors were fairly understanding towards the group and their situation, though the more frequent absences towards the end of the semester didn’t go unnoticed.
Getting their diplomas in the mail felt anticlimactic at best, and job searching was no picnic, either.
Despite how their lives started to pull in different directions, the group promised to meet up every Friday. Surprisingly, they never broke a dinner-date.
Whenever their lives would allow it, Nate and Cooper met up for lunch at the only Mexican restaurant in town.
One day, Nate tells him about an anonymous group that meets at the community center on Monday nights. After insisting he should take the week to think about it, Nate changes the topic to how the Yankees have been doing, letting Cooper munch on his burrito in peace.
⋯ Age 22, Fall ⋯
Cooper finds himself sitting in one of the uncomfortable, cold metal chairs set up in a half-circle Monday night.
It took him halfway through the meeting to realize Nate sat across from him in a baggie hoodie and his old checkered Vans from high school.
When the meeting ends, Cooper tells him he didn’t have to come just for him.
Nate tells him he had been coming for almost a decade now, ever since his mom suggested it in middle school.
Cooper wondered why Nate never mentioned anything.
Nate told him Kai knew, though he also made sure she knew it wasn’t her fault Nate felt the way he did.
“It’s not something that goes away, usually,” Nate confessed. “It’s something you live with. The people around us just lessen the load a little.”
Cooper breathed easier after that meeting.
⋯ ⋯ ⋯
Cooper had a new Monday routine.
⋯ Age 25, Spring ⋯
Years passed peacefully.
Nate and Kai got married one beautiful March Saturday. Addison announced her engagement a few weeks later, though her plans were far less extravagant than what Kai did.
Dylan and Cooper still work together, though there’s no alcohol and far more clothing involved in their current office jobs than in their previous bartending jobs.
Jax gets promoted and Cooper demands they celebrate at the fanciest steakhouse in town.
Cooper asks the waiter to hide Jax’s white-gold engagement ring in a breadstick.
Jax apologizes profusely when Cooper chokes on his own engagement ring, after the champagne flute no longer hid the black-gold band.
The dinner ends with them laughing at their terrible ideas and people giving them free celebratory drinks.
⋯ Age 26 ⋯
On Cooper’s bad days, the two watch Lucifer reruns in the living room, ice cream tubs by their sides as they lay together.
On Jax’s bad days, Spider Man, Superman and The Avengers all make their appearances.
Each bad day gets a little less terrible when the two admit little things about how they were before they got together. Cooper feels better knowing his crush wasn’t so unrequited all those years, and Jax sleeps easier knowing he was “it” for Cooper since day one.
⋯ Age 28 ⋯
The ache in Cooper’s chest never really goes away, despite having his love of twenty years finally sleeping beside him every night.
Whenever Jax is around, though, it lessens to a faint throb.
Paytan Douglas 